Work Rants

HR UNCUT: The Harsh Truths About Your Resumes That You NEED TO KNOW

Let me begin this shenanigan post off by justifying my credibility in this category.

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You see, when it comes to my priorities: my kids, my levels of caffeine toxicity, and my career are all sitting on a pedestal so high up there, not even Jesus can fuck with it.

And just don’t. Let me stop you RIGHT there Religious-Randy. Preaching-Patty. Your homeboy J-Dawg does not pay my impressively high mortgage here in the city of Miami. Nor my 400$ electric bills. Nor my vehicle. Nor does he finance this never-ending (seriously, when is this trend gonna end?) obsession my offspring have with every single fidget spinner known to man. Nor do any of his miraculous-fuckeries fund my profound Starbucks and Target addictions. PUH-LEASE Spare me your gospels.

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Now,  I may not have a degree in Human Resources or Business Management. But what I do have, is a shitload (14 years worth) of hardcore, valuable, real-world experience.What I do have, are the types of qualities and life-skills that federal grants, loans, and rich daddies can’t pay for you to learn over at Harvard or Stanford. This type of stuff is priceless. I’m just a diamond in the rough, what can I say? Being a total badass comes naturally when it comes to my work ethic. Cocky?

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Maybe so. But I know exactly what it takes to make it out there, and I wear that confidence like a skimpy little black dress on a Friday night. I know who I am, and what I’m worth. And when it comes to growth, I know exactly how to creep my way up that ladder. I’m a boss-babe. Slow down on the Haterade folks. Too many calories.

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Anyhow! I’m currently a supervisor for a group of growing surgical centers and in a recent stir of events, I was given the opportunity to manage some HR work. This means they made the mistake of allowing me to review and filter resumes, contact potential candidates, schedule and hold interviews, and assist in the final decision making process.

And wow. Man I can now say I have seen it all. Up until now, I have truly underestimated the stupidity that is out there roaming the streets. It’s mortifying.

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And It will never again come to me as a shock, when I hear jobless peers or random strangers ramble and rant on and on and on about how “There’s just NO work out there!” and how “The economy is falling apart!”  or about how “We need to create more jobs!” or how “I keep getting laid off because businesses can’t afford their employees anymore!”

Oh for fuck’s sake. Someone has GOT to tell these people THE TRUTH!

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First things first: The economy is not yet “falling apart”. You my jobless friends, are the ones falling apart because you clearly cannot afford to contribute to the economy. That’s not the economy’s problem. That’s your problem. It is what it is.

And come the fuck ON! There are PLENTY of jobs out there. The real issue here is that there are way more jobs than there are respectable, QUALIFIED candidates who know how to make an impression. In other words, there are too many basic-skill-lacking people out there, who really do think they are the shiniest penny in the piggy bank. Is that what your moms told you? That you’re special, gifted, little extra-shiny pennies?

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Also, who are you fooling? You weren’t “laid off”. I call bullshit! “Laid off” is what you begged your boss to say after he fired your dumb ass for being incompetent. They did you a favor so that you can actually have some kind of luck landing another job at some point. That, and so you can run home and try to qualify for some unemployment money. Yea. I see right through you. Been there, done that, bought the mug, the tee, the bobble-head, and the bumper sticker.

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So if you’re out there, cursing the employment Gods because you have been sending resumes out in every possible direction and have YET to get a phone call for an interview, well my guess is that it has to do with one of these stupid/illegal/racist/stereotypical/petty/fucked-up reasons:

  1. Oh hi asshole. Did you even bother to READ the job posting? We’re seeking a MEDICAL assistant, Einstein. But thank you oh so very much, for this 675 word cover letter exemplifying how you “have no doubt you will surpass our expectations, considering you meet all of our requirements” and how “confident you are that you would be an asset to our team” as a result of 15 years worth of experience in car mechanics, (…blood, buddy. NOT the same as oil) hospitality, (NOT the same as “hospital” genius), and veterinary assistance (oh for fucksake. Dog care is NEVER equal to patient care. (Contrary to popular belief).tumblr_mqlnmfjyrF1rp4xpeo1_500
  2. Your name is Bonqueefa-Shiznet. Yea that’s not gonna work. What on EARTH was your mother thinking you poor sweet child! sadly, Corporate America doesn’t even want to have to say your horrifyingly hideous name out loud ma’m! So they’re all like “Yea, let’s just pretend this never happened..” and :::delete:::tumblr_msthxkSvVa1shabqvo1_250
  3. Sir. We regret to admit that you did not get a phone call, because you have a penis. Sadly, you are now stuck in a woman’s world. And in a clitoris-dominating office setting, the penis is an unnecessary distraction. Bitches go cray’. We need efficient, controlled bitches who will not be led to temptation by some manployee. Get that little stump removed and come back to us when you’re all set! Thanks! tumblr_n4hygfuAZL1qlatf4o1_500
  4. Your email is seriously Babydoll_Lollipop_licker69696969@me.com. I mean maybe try Craigslist? Search for “Escorts”? I hear they have a fabulous 401K plan these days! Fun stuff. Meet new people every day…VERY much like a networking/marketing gig if you ask me. And! Best part? There is NO dress code!
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  5. YOU. DID. NOT. USE. SPELL. CHECK! Who ARE you even? Who sent you?  WHO. SENT. YOU! tumblr_odggr9PyUB1rp0vkjo1_500
  6. You’re resume was 5 fucking pages long. I refuse to read this fictional gathering of brown-nosed LIES. You tried too hard. You show-off. You think I’m gonna call you after THAT? Tone it down. You’re setting yourself up for failure by seeming over-qualified for ANY job. So just…tumblr_m1detkcD1W1rqfhi2o1_400
  7. You’re resume was 5 fucking words long. I’m not even… it’s not worth it…tumblr_mwz8e5JJwP1smcbm7o1_500
  8. Oh look! How cute! You graduated college in 1928! Nice! Do even TYPE though?! And what on Earth have you been doing all these years besides NOT dying? Are you really seeking long-term employment grandma? Also, FYI, we don’t offer life insurance. (Not for you at least…)tumblr_miwhqzySBD1rknrf9o1_250
  9. Oh look! How cute! You graduated high school last week! Yea. Next!tumblr_nvx6kplRgv1u9jwwwo1_500

As we are learning, the truth can be a brutal bitch more often than we’d like. But take a step back, and look at all the inadvertent, critical mistakes you’re guilty of! And employers well, they’re only human. They respond to gut instincts, they feel vibes, and sometimes well, they’ll just feel extra petty.

So don’t kill the messenger. I’m just trying to help. You should seriously consider some, if not all of my advice. I mean how hard can it possibly be to change your name Bonqueefa? You’re a courthouse visit away from a decent future! And sir, truly- a Penilectomy is NOT that big a deal (it’s actually a pretty small deal in most cases).

Sleep on it. And, happy hunting!

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Unapologetically Yours, 

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7 thoughts on “HR UNCUT: The Harsh Truths About Your Resumes That You NEED TO KNOW”

      1. Oh stop it! Benjamin is super normal. And then you would have never grown to “BitterBen”! Can you imagine? What else could have worked so perfectly?! “JunkieJack”, “DelinquentDan”, or “PerkyPaul” wouldn’t have worked out in your favor. Embrace it friend. Embrace it.

        Like

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