Disclaimer: When it comes to politics I rely on tabloids, whatever google says, and whatever everyone on Facebook says. Did you think that would stop me inserting my 2 cents plus an extra cent just for the sake of living up to my “extra-ness”? Come on! we all know opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one. And this is just me, giving you
my asshole no wait…showing you my asshole. Relax RELAX, don’t be so anal.
Well…that didn’t go as smooth as I intended. (Forgot the lube).
Puns were not intended. I swear!
Whenever there’s a social hype about anything– I go completely awol. I retract. I shrivel up and hide in my shell. I blend as deep into the background as possible. It’s one of those “things” about me. Man, the levels of stress and anxiety and fuck-my-life-ness that these sorta things-
- The Twilight Saga
- Harry Potter
- 50 Shades of Grey
- free concerts
- Victoria Secret annual sales
- Christmas shopping
- and yes genius, Presidential elections
-cause in my life are unbearable. I refuse to engage in ANY way, with ANY person, place, or thing that is caught up in the mix of a “trending” hype (these damn millennials and their “trends”). You won’t hear from me until said hype has frozen over and the world has moved on to the next over-rated trend, book, movie…President… what-ever.
I cannot live my life in parallel to a fucking Twitter feed- caught up in a toxic and meaningless race to have or know or see the latest everything before everyone else. I’m a woman of detail, and I don’t do well with competition unless it’s against time because I am quite the procrastinator. Bring it clocks! And with regards to Twitter again, I don’t even have a twitter account. Seriously, WHO the fuck can keep up?! It’s like being warped into a new dimension every single time you blink and you can’t catch your breath! Just no. I can’t keep up. I refuse to even try. MY world is pretty awesome and intense as it is. Soooo you guys let me know when you’re done. Cool?
And hopefully that clarifies the confusion and the “Is she fucking serious? NOW she wants to semi-rant about this? She’s so obnoxious. I’m unfollowing this bitch.” that the rest of this post will surely lead up to. Should this be the case however, I urge you to re-refer to the disclaimer up at the top for a refresher.
Now. As it turns out we’re half way through 2017 and rumor has it, Trump has been the leader of the Free World for some time now huh?
Well…shit. I must’ve been preoccupied with more important matters. Like trips to Target with insufficient funds, blackheads on my chin, my endless hunt for endorphins, and the winning lottery numbers. Whatever the case, I was at no point giving a fuck about the childish political hysteria that has possessed America’s long lost soul. And I think it’s time she and I sat down to chat. Woman to woman. (Uh. Fuck yes she’s a woman. What did ya think? It’s not AMERICO…and really? Why would anything want a metaphorical penis?! How awkward can you be? It’s like…it just hangs there like a dead body over a cliff and then suddenly it’s alive again and as stiff as a stuffed raccoon and then it squirts involuntarily if you mess with it too much.. just no. Americ*A* has a vagina. Carry on).
Hey. ‘Merica? You there? Can you fucking hear me? Well listen here bitch. Just thought you could use some advice from someone who abuses your whole “freedom of speech” thing on the daily. Did someone lace your Marijuana laws with cocaine and get you fucking HIGH? Because you’ve been behaving like a total petty dumb bitch of a Kardashian for some time now. Get you’re shit together because your neighbors are bound to get over your raucous and once they all turn against you guess what? You’re gonna have some beef in the hood lady. This shit-show is getting kinda boring. You’re FAKE, shady, and over-rated. You’re sagging. Falling apart. Maybe it’s time to go under the knife. Get a lift? You’re a big, fake ass already so let’s not mess with that part of you.
But let’s keep it red, white, and REAL-I’m super disappointed. So disappointed I didn’t even VOTE! Yea. I said it. I. DID. NOT. VOTE. So disappointed it’s taken me THIS long to even speak to you. I mean shit! Kanye may as well have ACTUALLY been elected along with those other two fucking morons. At least I would have considered voting. And for what it’s worth I enjoy Kanye as much as I enjoy dropping a fresh Venti Caramel Macchiato on the ground after having spent my last $5.09. And Kim and Ivana-Hump You? Ivanka? Who the hell knows. They’re both equally qualified First Skanks.
I mean what the fuck were you THINKING!? Trump is a fucking Nazi and you America, have ultimately declared political armageddon upon yourself. You committed suicide. I can only assume you let Trump win this financially suffocating country over because of his gangster ass hustling/stealing skills? I mean after all, we need a business man at this point right? Because who needs compassion, honesty or trust when you are facing an ACTUAL current national deficit of $19,844,765,411,285? 352 billion? I’m not sure what to believe on Google anymore you know so the numbers don’t matter.
Who needs respect for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness anyways? And I’m sorry, my memory fails me. What the fuck are these “constitutional rights” everyone keeps yappin’ about anyways? Amiright ‘Merica? What a JOKE! And so you rightfully chose an orange-faced, smug, soul-less little old fuck to lead you. Straight to your annihilation that is.
I won’t get into this any further because the details really don’t even matter at this point. What’s done is done and Like I SAID. Opinions are like assholes and so am I most of the time. You made your bed. So I hope you can sleep nice and cozy at night ‘Merica, knowing that you did this to yourself. To your people. To your children. To your already non-existent future.
Oh well. Back to the laundry! Sweet dreams to the Land of the Shit and the Home of the Hopeless.
Unapologetically NOT a proud ‘Merican,