Soul-Searching Rants, Witty Rants

Weekend Forecast: 98% Chance of Mental Shit-Storms

Well happy weekend humans! It’s been a fairly decent, rollercoaster-of-moodswings (as usual) kind of day. And while the incessant shit-show that construes my mind was not meant to be the focal point of this post, I thought you know what? Let’s do something different.

So in lieu of a 2,500 word post- whose purpose may so easily be lost and buried beneath piles of witty rubble, run-on sentences (you’re currently stuck in one like virtual quicksand my friend) and an unjustifiable use of profanity/slang/FYI’s/side-notes- I thought a more illustrative glimpse of my questionable mental state from the inside out would be loads of glittery, sparkling fun!

You know you want it.

But first let me just emphasize on the above paragraph. You see, the way my brain is set up, I’m habitually seeking any fragment of an opportunity to back myself up against a wall with my own words. And I do it with the sole purpose of creating a chain-reaction where I now also have the opportunity to swoop in and save myself from myself.

So I’ll just say this.

I DO tend to write posts that are wordier than some can deal with. I do poison my posts with unnecessary extra-ness every chance I get, which is every time my double-jointed fingers touch my motherfucking keyboard. I’m aware. But this is what makes me, ME. I am witty. I am fluent in Sarcasm. I actually do (regrettably so) speak like a cowboy-ish-truck driver high on meth. I do LOVE caps, italics and bolds because God accidentally poured all of his “oomph” supply into me while he was whipping me up and I am consequently emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically- extra in every sense of the word.


So let it be known that when I log in to WP,  what I see is an astronomical blank canvas. What I see is liberation. What I experience is an escape. I do not see any bushes to beat around. So if I can’t come on here, and be myself in my rawest, realest, purest form then I would be accomplishing abso-fucken-lutely N.A.D.A.

I mean. I just don’t do fake honey.



Now. Since I’m clearly feeling extra “extra” today, I took some of my otherwise perfectly wasted, insomnia-engulfed time to use and made a compilation of GIF’S for you. Consider this a summarized representation of my daily psychological struggles. Consider this a metaphorical front-row seat to the world’s greatest circus. My brain being the circus tent. And I’m not responsible for what happens inside. So I hope you have health insurance.tumblr_mujzgyHOcH1sf45e3o1_500


Oh look. Morning wood. Well I mean. I guess. But would this be rape considering he’s still sleeping? Hmm. The kids are still sleeping afterall amiright?! ugh. Look at this thing. It’s just. THERE. So gross. Never mind…
Let me just… what the fuckkk. What. The. FUCKKK man. Fuck this shit….fuck you sun. Fuck you sky. Fuck you light. Fuck you creator of  ALL. Where’s my FUCKING coffee.
Oh. Well now. There you are beautiful. Good mourning sunshine! Are you ready to tackle this gorgeous day? Let’s make it a positive one eh? Don’t let me down girl.
Now let’s freshen you up. Damn. You ARE fucking sexy. I mean look at you. LOOK. AT. YOU. Girl you got it goin’ ON! You can take the world on your own. You need to stop thinking less of yourself… God. You’re amazing!
(annddd the caffeine is now in control) Fuck yea. Fuck yea. FUCK. YEA! You got this shit. You got this.  You OWN the universe bitch. Do you hear me? Let’s do THIS! BOOM!!! let’s GO. LET’S GO! Let’s make LISTS of shit to do!
Gotta make today my bitch. Gotta make today my bitch. Gotta make today my bitch. Gotta make today my bitch.


Says my subconscious.
Who me? I know you ain’t talking’ to me. I hehe. I know..hehe. I know you ain’t.. hehe… hold on hehe. hold on bitch. Hold on. I’ll be RIGHT back hehehehehe. ::::::::off to grab a machete and rat poison:::::::::
Da fuck you mean? I was NOT going to do anything with this machete and the rat poison? Hello… rats??! So jumpy! Don’t get jumpy bitch!
Says the Universe with a massive eye-roll.
Gotta stick to the diet. Gotta stick to the diet. Gotta stick to the diet. What chocolate? This is not chocolate in my hands ya moron. It’s poop. I just scooped up some poop that’s all. Just gotta wash my hands now..
If I eat this cookie. I’m going to gain 15 pounds. But the way this COOKIE is set up though. What the FUCK man. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Gimme that shit.
I ate the fucking cookie. And now my life is over. Meaningless. my fat lungs don’t deserve to breathe in this blessed oxygen. OH TAKE ME! TAKE ME ALMIGHTY ONE!
The ultimate solution to every bit of sadness in the world. LET’S GO TO TARGET!
New eye-wrinkle cream-check. Hair products-checkkkk. 76 nail polishes-checkkk. Vitamins, cute notebooks, sprinkles, 2 bathing suits, 2 rompers, 3 tank-tops, sandals, PJ’s, almond milk, Starbucks, a fierce mug, 3 novels, 2 decorative pillows, a lamp, a laundry hamper, and mascara: Checkkkkkkk….
I just spent my mortgage money.


Anddddddddddd…… my current situation.

How’s that for a shit-show eh?  Yea well….


Anndddd that’s a wrap!


Unapologetically Yours,



6 thoughts on “Weekend Forecast: 98% Chance of Mental Shit-Storms”

  1. Oooh, nice. I definitely need to share gifs on my blog. How do you come up with so many words and still remain witty? I do like 500 and my ideas all wash up on the Jersey shore and get all salty.


  2. Oh and as far as my word count-to-wit ratios go… I am notorious for not knowing when to STOP and I’m trying so so hard to minimize myself!!!! Like my mind just does NOT want to take a breakkkkk! It’s exhausting lol


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