I must be fucking oldschool. Because I just recently discovered that Go Fund Me websites are not just for the mourning families of loved ones or for those who are suffering from cancer or other highly expensive and tragic medical conditions. People. Normal ass people are on these websites silently, and invisibly asking for money like beggars on the corner of 8th and 57th, and they’re probably doing so from the comfort of their Coral fucken Gables homes behind $2,000 MAC monitors.
Long story short, I ran into a Go Fund Me account recently titled “Mom Struggling with Bills”. The she-genius wrote some sappy, shameless love story about how she has 4 kids, her electricity is being shut off, she cannot afford groceries, she lost her job yadiyadiyadi it went on like FOREVEERRR.
Congrats lady. You are now JUST like 76 percent of ‘Merican citizens. (Interruptive disclaimer: I do not know squat about American statistics. Clearly, I made that shit up)
So yea. Just an addition to the 76 percent: broke as fuck and considering either selling the Xanax pills or cough sizzurp I mean syrup in the batbroom cabinet to some 7 foot 355 pound gangster named Tiny, OR, pimping that extra bedroom that was supposed to be a meditation room/mini gym into a full blown weed garden. Or a Meth lab. Whatever. But you chose the “Go Fund Me” route. Pure. Genius.
AND PEOPLE…STRANGERS…WERE MAKING DONATIONS!
Truthfully, what kind of fuckery is this?
Talk about being EASY guys! You guys are so EASY!!! Seriously? I mean whatever… granted all of that can be true. Shit I KNOW it probably is true because my electricity has been shut off and I’ve struggled like a beast to get through financially rough patches myself. But FUCK. A Go Fund Me page? How about…use your damn computer to:
1- Request an extension on your electric bill?
2- Apply for foodstamps maybe?
3- Apply for a job, or a better job?
4- google map “nearest cliff”. GO THERE. Jump.
I’m kidding. Do not jump. Especially not because I instructed you to. Although that would be kind of awesome because FINALLY someone fucking does what I say. My kids only wipe their asses if I’m like ” YOU BETTER NOT WIPE THAT ASS. IT BETTER BE DIRTY WHEN YOU GET OFF THAT PORCELAIN OR ELSE!!” and then they wipe them asses squeaky clean. Just to be rebels. Suckers. 😂😎
But seriously, this shit is just plain systematic abuse aside from being bat-shit hysterical.
With that said. I am starting my own webpage too. I need mental health counseling and Chanel foundation and I cannot afford it. It’s for YOUR OWN GOOD people. So pay the fuck up.
“Wacked out Wanna Be Mom Blogger Seeks Mental Health Counseling and Extra Bucks for Chanel Foundation Because She Just Ran Out and That Shit is 78$ and Imperative to Her Life and Yours Because if She Feels Like Ugly or Blah, All Will Die”
-Donations of all sizes are welcomed-
Gullible sons of bitches. 🙃