Pre-brainfuckery: I adamanty believe in the existence of ghosts. Ghouls, spirits, phantoms, incorporeal beings, souls gone astray..Casper for fucksake. My mind often wanders when it comes to mortality and this is where I crown myself the Diva of Darkness. The subject on ghosts along with string theory, parallel universe(s), alien existence, and evolution versus religion….ugh you just CANNOT fathom…they make me cringe with excitement! Total mindgasms.
Actual brainfuckery: I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to assume occurs to us when we die?! I mean yes we (I) are (am) a screwed up compilation of skin and bones and foreheads and teeth and bunions and dinosaur-inherited thighs and inexplicably twisted minds and double-jointed fingers (and YES I just painted a vivid and grotesque image of myself in a deep, dark, twisted corner of your mind. Eat your heart out)…
but seriously, what about the energy!? Where does it go? The hodgepodge of molecules and atoms and the chemistry within which makes ME “me”? Pass me my dinglehopper and call me coo-coo for Cinnamon Toast Crunch (I’m just not a fan of Coco Puffs. Don’t judge me) but can this NOT ultimately be what we freely and so often refer to as the “soul”. And if there is such a thing as a “soul” then there must be a final destination.
Background-fuckery: Now, despite the fact that I am a woman of science, big bang theory, evolution, etc… which completely contradicts my belief in paranormal activity and my own version of “heaven” and “God” or rather, an Ethereal Source of Energy (my thought process of this not-so-human “Man Above”). I also believe in the afterlife and in that somewhere.
Just plain fuckery: I don’t know if that somewhere is a paradise in the sky with a pearly gated entrance (there better be no association fees up in that motherfucker) or a magical 24 hour free-coffee-serving Starbucks sitting atop a rainbow somewhere in Greece complete with leprechaun-angel baristas on unicorns ready to serve you with a smile (#deathgoals), but if we do not believe in something enchanting and celestial awaiting us on the other side, then what is the purpose of life? Is this what I bust my ass for? Is this why I side-hustle cakes like Betty Crocker on crack? Is this why Drake said “YOLO”? Is this why I’m attempting (and simultaneously failing) to raise civilized children ? For an instant and eternal blackout? For utter extinction? For nothingness surrounded by nothingness? To decompose and dissipate? Like if we don’t have “souls” that are going somewhere, does that mean that when I die, it’s just lights out? And that’s it? No way in fuck. Just no.
Something’s gotta give.
Conclusive fuckery: I don’t know if you believe in anything. I don’t know if you attend church every Sunday and pray for acceptance into your version of heaven, or if you kneel for Allah, or sit Indian style in front of a statue of Buddha, or if you walk the streets beneath the scorching sun to knock on strangers’ doors to preach about Jehova…but you must have something to lean on. Something that gives you ultimate reason. Some kind of faith. I claim no religion because quite frankly, it’s all overrated and pure politics. I consider myself open-minded and I have a relationship with the Universe. I am willing to accept whatever it is that may await…but I expect that there be SOMETHING SOMEWHERE. When I see it, I’ll deal with the head honcho and settle in.