Soul-Searching Rants, Witty Rants

Twenty-Sixteen Twenty-Smitzsheen

I’m going to try my hardest NOT to make this a cliché “Looking back at 2015….” or “My hopes for 2016 are…” kinda post. Just no.

First of all, 2016 is like in 9 hours and I’m pretty sure my life will not be drastically altered or “improved” in any fucking way by then. The fact is..9 hours isn’t enough time to draft up a new life-changing plan that will end in my becomming rich, being ready for a bikini contest, or my laundry being washed, dried, folded, and put away by the SAHM Fairy Godmother.

I suppose none of that is the point…I suppose that approaching a new year should motivate us to WORK harder towards achieving such goals or realizing such dreams (the whole laundry thing being FIRST on that list), but I’m so over all the “New Year New ME” shit. Call me a positivity-pooper, but I’m still gonna be an overachieving undersucceeding hot mess in 2016 unless I can afford to/am lucky enough to get myself :

1-A Life Coach
2-A Psychiatrist
3-A maid
4-A personal assistant
5-A sugar daddy on the low low.

I’m pretty sure that I just blog-cheated on my fiance in #5. It’s not like he wouldn’t reap the benefits of some rich guy paying all of my bills for nothing in exchange. Oh no…what? Did you assume I’d be banging him? No no no darling. You see…my hypothetical sugar daddy is just some guy who finds pleasure in giving me loads of money he has just hangin’ out…and he expects nothing in return!

So yea. You just called me a prostitute in your mind. I heard you. I have that 7th sense. 6th is where we see ghosts remember? The 7th sense is where asshole mom-bloggers can read the minds of her readers. How RUDE (in my besssst Full House Michelle voice) ::::flips her hair which doesn’t actually flip and turns around with hands on hip in attempt to look sassy but just looks ridiculous and chubby with a fucked up attitude but still doesn’t give a shit which actually makes her a BOSS::::

SIDE NOTE: I’m not sure if I invented this “:::::” in order to perform some kind of act/gesture/move so that it seems real when typed.. but ::::rolls eyes and smirks:::: I do shit like that. You can call me out on my errors that’s cool. But my response is pretty much gonna be like “yea well… YO MOMMA fool! BOO-YAAAWWW” So like…don’t bother.

Weren’t we talking about 2016? Yea. I won’t be joining any gyms along with the herds of temporarily motivated fat asses that all the regular and already-fit gym-goers DREAD and laugh at and make bets about which New Year’s fatty will stop showing up first. Seriously. It’s humiliating. I’m humiliated FOR these people. Ugh.

As for me? My goals are not changing. I’m a pretty realistic person and I know my flaws and what I need to change in order to move forward successfully with them. It’s just another day guys. I honestly don’t sweat it. I’m just looking forward to some dancing and drinking. I don’t even like grapes anyways. Not the purple ones at least. I guess I’m not into it this year. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up with my head out of my ass and I’ll be super pumped up about my life being exactly. The. Same.

I’m not sure this post had a point or a flow to it. I apologize for my randomness. Actually ya know what? I’m not sorry. Give me back my apology. This is who I be. So just to help you forget about what a stupid post this was here is some new years humor!










8 thoughts on “Twenty-Sixteen Twenty-Smitzsheen”

  1. You know, if I could I’d be up to #6 WITH YOUR CONDITIONS! Seriously, I’m a lonely old fart and we could conversate, and hubby could help as a handyman…we could be 1 big…so as soon as I can win the lottery we set this up…my only resolution is to retire at 62…even if I gotta camp under a bridge

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bahaha!!!! I love this. You are hysterical! We could set all that up without the damn lottery! Lol!! Thanks for taking the time to drop by! I become very attached to people very easily. (But only online. And only in a blogger kind of way. And not in a stalker creepy kind of way. And I’m sorry. It’s 3:30 am and I’ve taken a caffeine pill.) Jesus be with me. Or whatever. Goodnight and good morning!!


      1. I’m working…I’m on the vampire shift…caffeine? My body laughes at the stuff 😍😍😍😍…glad you like my humor….you ought to check my rants and paranoid vlogs…I provoke laughter quite regularly my dear…but mostly online…

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Cheers to doing what the fuck when we want, when and how and where and why the fuck we want!! Except bills. We have to pay bills when they tell us too. And taxes. No choice there. But everything else…boom! Our way!


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