It’s not that I’ve not had the need to write. Believe me. The need is a poisonous little creature that gnaws through (or at?) my brain con.stant.ly. It’s just that for FIVE whole entire consecutive blessed days, I have NOT had a smart phone! FIVE. Are you reading this? FIVE WHOLE FUCKING DAYS.
Some deprived asshole stole it at the mall, cracked screen and all, thanks to the asshole (me) who accidentally left it in the fitting room at a clothing store where every single piece of clothing was in utter disagreement with my fat. That deserves a whole post on its own.
But the stolen phone? Nothing new. Totally me. I mean…it’s not anyone’s fault that I refuse to go get medicated for ADHD and social anxiety which causes me to completely lose focus on anything and everything when I am out trying to shop or do shit that normal people do. I swear to whatever you pray to that I couldn’t tell you where my head is at when I am out in public. I’m so focused on getting in, getting what I need (before everyone else goes and gets it because only in MY head, whenever I want or need something, so must everyone else on this planet and then when I get there, they all got it before me and I’m fucked and left with my misery…talk about positive thinking huh?) and getting out, that I completely lose sight of everything else…like the fact that I left my cell phone in a fitting room to be stolen by some asshole and failed to notice until I got back to the beautiful isolation of my car. So BECAUSE these things don’t surprise me, I’ve really taught myself that I don’t deserve to be the type of person who loses her shit over lost or stolen material things.. WHAT am I going to accomplish by losing my shit over lost shit? Unless of course, it happens to be my favorite eyebrow pencil and then I have to somehow find the courage to step foot out of my home lookin’ like And then with my luck, I never find my favorite pencil or they have it, but in some shade that just doesn’t suit me and then I end up sitting in my car, struggling to look human again and end up lookin’ like
And then it’s just like life is so pointless and I just don’t deserve a space on this planet and I wish the ground would just swallow me alive and whole. And now I have NO IDEA how I even started blabbering about my un-eyebrows, but I have no intention of going back to re-read any of this nor to edit this because it’s been way too fucking long and I am SO hyped up that now I JUST CAN NOT STOP with my flawless and much-respected run-on sentences!
So No phone. No Instagram. No Facebook. No Email. No TEXTING. No GPS. No Pandora. No WordPress app which by the way, is where I usually post from, and it is FRENOMINAL*. No auxiliary cable in my Jeep through which I could replay Justin Bieber’s “Love Yourself” 567,786,878 times BACK TO BACK because I am literally obsessed with that song despite the fact that being a Belieber* at the age of 30 is practically the equivalent of being a registered sexual predator but none of that is relevant anyways so moving on.
I have to tell ya… I honestly thought that lacking my phone would have a much more critical impact on my life. But I have never felt more liberated. I feel…emancipated! Out of context, a little bit dazed, confused, and uninformed but nevertheless, emancipated. I have never felt such peace inside of me, speaking from my heart. Smart phones are the fucking devil. But I still can’t wait to get my new one in the mail tomorrow! I thrive off of my lack of peace and that is super contradicting to everything I just said and it’s just wrong but peace all the time is no fun. That’s why I pick so many pointless arguments with Joey*. Make-up sex is always fun and it keeps things spicy. So next time you feel your relationship is in a stasis of boredom and predictability, just grab a plate and slam it on the floor and start screaming like a mad woman a bunch of gibberish no one understands and throw his name in there somewhere so he knows it’s about him in some form or another and then tease him by not banging him for a couple of days and let him chase you around like a cat chasing one of those little laser lights (funniest thing EVER) trying to figure you out, and then just come home from work all suddenly sweet and sexy and BAM. MAGIC. (And if he, any of his friends, or anyone related to him ever reads this and he finds out, I pretty much just initiated the fight of the century so I guess I better get online and buy some new sexy lingerie).
Or he might dump your ass. So maybe you shouldn’t try that at home. Results may vary. And there are no guarantees in life except death and taxes. Proceed with caution.
Anyways I get the devil back in my life tomorrow. He’s coming in the mail disguised as a gold Galaxy S6. He will continue to run/ruin my life again and I am prepared to surrender my soul to him once again.
As for the bitch who stole a cracked phone 2 days before Christmas..you probably needed a phone. I get it. I ain’t even mad at ya. That’s what the Christmas spirit is all about.
THE GLOSSARY OF SHIT YOU SHOULD KNOW:
*Frenomenal= Freakin’ Phenomenal.
*Belieber= you really should know this one but just in case: A JUSTIN BEIBER “BELIEVER”.
*Joey= My fiancé/baby daddy. High school sweetheart who I met at the age of 14, dated for 5 years, separated from for another 5 (during which he had a daughter) and then got back together with- and 8 years later have 2 children with and 15 + years worth of drama/psychosis to share with the world.