Caking & Baking, Witty Rants

Stupid-Proof Baking: 101

 

Welcome to class fellow wanna-be-bakers. I’m your common-sense instructor, Ely.

What are my qualifications you ask?
I have a PHd in Youtubeology with a minor in Pinterestopathy.

Any further questions?  Fantastic.

As you may or may not know, 8 months ago I invested my mind, my soul, my sanity, and every penny of $600.00 I had in my pathetic savings account towards teaching myself how to be a legitimate baker and cake designer. I refused to pay for courses and there was no way in hell I was signing for anymore loans to get my ass through a culinary program that would force me to wear those ridiculous chef hats. Like no. My forehead is too big for those. Thank you. Moving on. So I took to YouTube, Pinterest,  and good ole’ google and just did it. And now I’m pretty much positive I should have taken courses and that I truly am a stubborn animal who learns solely from its endless count of fuck-ups. I thought that sorta thing would be over by the time I graduated high school but nah. I am, by nature, never going to learn the easy way.

So without further adue…today I’d like to share an example of what a fabulous chocolate cake should NEVER LOOK LIKE out of your oven. For fuck’s sake…

image

In my defense it was 2 a.m.,  I was distracted with making some changes to this blog, and I had to be up and ready for my “real” job in 3 hours. And I’m convinced that my dog must have escaped the laundry room and intentionally changed the settings on my god damned oven as a form of revenge for smacking him after he chewed up an entire load of freshly done laundry, which all ended up in the garbage. That husky is always up to no good!

You’re right I’m talking smack. The factual version of this tragic event is more like:  I over filled the pan and I am infuriated with myself because I KNOW this and I had a feeling tickling my gut about it but I’m a woman of faith so I figured Jesus would make it happen.

Clearly God doesn’t live in my house and I need to re-evaluate my relationship with him. It’s just not working out you know? I may have to seek other options and get in touch with Buddha…see what he has to offer.
(DO NOT EVEN. Do not ever DARE get into religious bullshit debates with me. You can’t win. Because I don’t give a shit!)

Oh! And if you can see the strip around the pan and have never seen or used one before then you must…MUST download the Michaels app, find a 40 percent off coupon and get Wilton baking strips. I’ll wait.

These will give you cakes flatter than ….

image

Disclosure: I have no idea who’s ass this may be. If this ass belongs to you, please note that 1- It’s publicly accessible on Google and 2- it’s nothing personal and I am not using your ass for any kind of monetary gains. I am only professionally using your ass in the form of an analogy to give my readers a visible example of just HOW flat their cakes WILL bake, when they use Wilton strips. I  THANK YOU, for your assistance dearest flattest ass ever and I do hope that somewhere, there is fat waiting for you. ♡

OK. ALSO you can just use cut up towels and safety pins for these strips BUT I don’t have time for that shit nor safety pins so it’s easier for me to spend a few more bucks on these!

Before I go…. I thought I’d share this recipe and add to Please fill your pans less than half way because this cake rises quite a fucking lot. ITS A STUPIDLY EASY RECIPE that tastes AMAZING and no one can go wrong with it. I use this when I need a quick chocolate cake for friends/family/personal use!

1 box Duncan Hines Devil’s Food
1 box instant chocolate pudding (the normal sized ones)
A “pinch” of sea salt (honestly I just eyeball a tiny bit of salt)
1 C vegetable oil
1/2 C water or milk…I always use milk…
1 TSP good quality vanilla extract
4 whole large eggs

I ALWAYS sift all of my dry ingredients to get rid of any potential lumps, and mix them up with a wire whisk. Then I mix up all of my wet ingredients, put it all together, blend until smooth and pour into a pan coated with Baker’s Joy AND parchment paper further coated with Baker’s Joy  for a cake that will NOT stick. LIKE EVER! Once in the pan, I let the pan drop down on a smooth surface to get rid of any air bubble pests, and wrap the pan with a baking strip that has been soaking in cold water for at least 5 minutes.

Bake at 325 until you get a clean tooth pick test- everyone has different ovens! You can also bake at 350 but honestly I pretty much bake everything at 325 for a little more time just to be sure.

ENJOY!!!!!!

3 thoughts on “Stupid-Proof Baking: 101”

    1. LMFAO. Dat ass means BUSINESS!!!! LET US TAKE A SECOND to appreciate our fat asses because it’s so much easier to lose some fat than to purchase it!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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