An abrupt heat wave rushes through my entire nervous system, sending sweat through the pores at the palms of my hands. Adrenaline has taken my heart hostage and it is pounding through my chest trying to escape.
I try to find a focal point to distract myself from my surroundings, but it’s as if I’m looking through a window smeared with dried up mud. The world spins around me. I can feel the Earth rotating on its axis and revolving around the sun. I think I’m going to panic right then and there. I think I’m going to crawl into a corner and hold myself in fetal position until I decompose and am reincarnated as something other than a human because clearly, that just wasn’t for me.
If you’re wondering what, why, when, where, how. I have two words for you: make it three: Social. Fucking. Anxiety.
It’s incredibly difficult to 1-admit, 2- explain, 3- justify, especially considering the fact that I’m incredibly social once I’m comfortable (or drunk). For some odd reason or another, I cannot be alone in a social setting, and I mean ANY kind…Publix, the mall, crossing a street, whatever. If and when I have to be alone and deal with this, it is a physical and mental challenge for me. I have oftentimes caught myself PRETENDING to be on my cell phone (if I have no one and nothing to actually talk to or about) or distracted by keeping my focus on social media or well, anything except what is around me. It’s complicated and disturbing, and I should probably be on some kind of medication but I believe in the power of the mind.
Once we let medicine do the job, we’ve basically surrendered complete control of our minds, thus, we have lost control of our lives. Point blank. I’m confident in knowing that because I am aware and awake to whatever issues I may suffer from, that I can ultimately control them. I can reshape my thought process and trust that I am the solution to all of my problems. Granted, there are cases when it would be ignorant to turn medicine away, but I feel like everyone wants the easy way out these days ‘is there a pill for this?’
If there were pills for ignorance and I had a medical license I’d universally prescribe that shit. (That was random but just necessary, lol).
So I have social anxiety. Thank the fucking stars for blogging. Cheers to hiding behind my android and saying whatever the hell I want without having to see any of your faces. Bahahaha..
Ps- This was another traffic jam post. No judging my lack of editing. Maybe later bro.