So my cousin’s wife and her buddy recently established a fabulous new little psycho-community on FB called “Bat Shit Crazy Moms.” When I saw my invite to join this group I was so giddy and full of joy my butt jiggled. Well. My butt is always jiggling. (note to self: handle that shit. Fatass.) Anyways… a “judge-free” zone where hundreds or thousands (God help us) of on-the-brinks-of-losing-their-shit-permanently moms can all go and bitch about how fucked up their kids are, how much they suck at this whole parenting gig, how they fantasize about shanking their baby daddies in their sleep, or how they would trade coffee, ice cream, and oral sex for 5 months for just ONE quiet, uninterrupted, shit session. Yes, I said SHIT. 1 time. Can we have ONE private moment in the bathroom where we do not have to be pushing and simultaneously opening a god damn Caprisun or a zebra cake???!! Jesus CHRIST.
Anyhow I wanted to say THANK YOU for this little hole in the internet. It’s always nice to know that there’s another mom somewhere out there in the world who also has to occasionally break into her 5 year old’s piggy bank for Starbucks money. I mean seriously…my kids know damn well that if there’s no coffee, there’s NO mommy. So believe me they are more than happy to donate towards the Keep Mommy Caffeinated and Sane Foundation. Is it low of me? No. What’s low is my bank account motherfucker. I’ll pay it back. In the form of cooked meals, shelter, clothing, and random Dollar Tree shopping sprees. Well that went further than I expected :::clearing my throat:::.
My point is, (because I had a point when I started this post, but now all I can think of is Tiffany’s empty piggy bank), that there is no shame in being a bat-shit-crazy mom. When we carried our first born in the womb, did we imagine it this way? Did we think to ourselves “I can’t WAIT for my child to start Kindergarten so I can NOT sit with them daily and commit to 10 projects a week because it’s fucking bullshit and I have no time for it!” “I can’t WAIT to steal my child’s allowance because I plan on being SUPER broke every other week due to tandem Marhshall’s trips and 15$ a day on fucking Starbucks because I can’t function!” “Oh how I look forward to my son telling his sister she’s a little CRY BABY BITCH whenever they argue!” or “Oh I dream of having mountains of disgusting pissed on laundry hidden in a corner of the laundry room and ignoring it for weeks at a time until I have to just throw it out because I literally refuse to do laundry. Oh well fuck it. Another excuse for a midnight Walmart trip!”
NO! NO. No this is not how I imagined motherhood. But it is what it has become and it is far from being a stable and cooperative member of PT-fucking-A who bakes cupcakes for no reason. No bitch. If you want cupcakes, you better order them 2 weeks ahead of time and I need a deposit please and thank you. Motherhood has not been all arts and crafts and random fingerpainting sessions followed by water gun fights. Why. Because in order to give my children a decent lifestyle, we have had to hustle and work our asses off. It’s hard and it’s sad and yes there are moments where I have had to sit down and ask myself if it’s worth it all. Moments that my daughter has made comments like ” You’re ALWAYS cleaning mommy you NEVER want to play.” And then I drop the fucking broom and run to the trampoline for 5 minutes.
Being a mom comes with a lot of guilt and a lot of questionable moments. But let me tell you what I have learned after 6 years of motherhood and this is something that ALL of you moms who call yourselves “bat-shit-crazy” MUST know and must own: no matter what fucked up choices I have made. No matter how questionable my adult behavior is. No matter how impulsive I am or how quickly I can go from play-doh session to GO CLEAN YOUR FUCKING MESS BEFORE I LOSE IT! No matter how much I yell. Or cry. Or refuse to wake up on a Saturday morning at 7 am. No matter HOW guilty I feel for being bat-shit-crazy and regardless of the fact that sometimes, I just feel like a crappy mom who has NO idea what she’s doing: MY KIDS ADORE ME with all of their little souls. They love me as unconditionally as I love them. They admire me, and are always there to pick ME back up and reassure me that everything is ok. My kids see me as their hero and so do yours. We are SO fucking hard on ourselves but we fail to see that no matter what, we will always be just “MOM” to them and they will appreciate us later for all that we do and all that we sacrifice.
Don’t ever forget that, you psycho bitch mom you!